So here comes the hard part; the part where I’m going to have to appreciate time like never before, the part where I’m going to have to tell myself to be really patient because things obviously will not go my way this time, the part where I can’t do anything at all because everything I’m going to go through would make me feel as if I’m harrowed. I’m starting to stress over reality because I can’t look up to the future, I don’t know what thing is waiting for me to overcome, I’m scared of the thought of me not being able to resist the urge to give up. What I know is that I want to get what I want and be happy.

Lonely people, lonely nights, lonely dreams, lonely cellphone screens. Lonely hours sent trying not to look at the calendar. This is way beyond pathetic.

Happy plans could be deceiving. Captivating places could turn boring. I remember that old man who walked into stores and cafes, begging strangers for money, trying hard to make himself look weak so that people could give their valuable time to just notice. I knew he missed his home. It somehow was shown by the way his eye stared at me. At us. I remained calm. I wanted to tell him everything was going to be okay.

Another day. Another breakfast. Another bus ride I do not want to take. I told you I am not that happy. How much longer do I have to wait to see everything back to normal?

Yesterday, I watched The Avenger with my classmates. It’s been awhile since the last time I hang out with them. I find myself so happy last night. Like “really happy”. I laugh like there’s nothing I should worrying about, I smile like I’m the happiest, and the most important is… I feel like “me”.

It’s annoyed me anyway. I just came down to realize that I used to be a much nicer/friendlier person back then. Not that I think I was an angel who was always really really kind to people every second, no. I just feel like I used to have more energy and eagerness to treat other people with my best attitude. I wanted people to be happy around me. That sounds quite sappy but it really was how I felt :”)
But now it seems like that personality is gone. Well not completely, but it’s just too obvious to me that I am becoming more and more ungainly. The spontaneous was gone, nowadays there’s only me who always do something all-scheduled. I mean I used to laughing in any occasion, like this life is a big jokes, but now I kinda no longer do :| well it’s kind of difficult to describe in detail how I am now but umm you got my point. I don’t know if it’s because these days the situations are less pleasant for me or this is just a part of growing up, I just don’t know.

With them, I find the missing piece. That’s how I really miss everyone right now. But mostly I miss Ciris, Pets, IpaTilu, 9i, Yute, Bela, Anita, Hana, Eb, Ayas, and One. I want them to make me feel alive again. I want to feel something. I want to be happy. I need to go back to how I used to be, or who I used to be. I need to be a better person.

i find it almost so hard to live with the fear of seeing people who are close to you fading away as if all of the things you’ve ever been through with them are nothing and the only thing that matters now is to pretend that this has been the only part of your life. i claim myself as a person who finds it easy to overcome different environments but look who’s failing right here. look who’s begging to go back in time so that the easy, comfortable old days could be perceived again look who’s the one missing so many people when everyone just doesn’t seem to do so look who’s scared of the fact that this is the time to really shape your future look who’s getting older look who’s busy making wishes about fortune and luck and love and destiny and many many other corny things no one actually cares about look who’s craving for someone to pay attention just like a poor little kid look who hasn’t got tired of thinking of a cliché fairytale ending no one believes nowadays look who feels weird seeing all of her friends slowly changing.

if nothing makes you feel good, then nothing makes you feel good.

Have you ever felt like there’s an explosion of joy in your mind and for that moment everything does feel fine? Like all of your thoughts that have been slowly destroying you recently just disappear, leaving you with warmth flowing from head to toe and you have no idea you could feel this happy but you continue smiling anyway. And then you’d feel relieved because you realize the world ain’t actually that bad, because there’s a person you can share everything with. I do. That’s the time when I see you.